Curiosity, Attunement, and Better Sex: Why Couples Counselling Isn’t About Mind‑Reading

Curiosity, Attunement, and Better Sex: Why Couples Counselling Isn’t About Mind‑Reading

(Yes, research-backed. Yes, we’re going to talk about sex. Buckle in ;))

Couples Counselling Isn’t About Fixing — It’s About Noticing

One of the biggest myths about long-term relationships is this idea that if you really love someone, you should just know what they need.

Spoiler alert: you don’t.

And neither do they.

Couples counselling isn’t about teaching partners how to read each other’s minds. It’s about helping them pay attention again — with curiosity instead of assumptions.

Because here’s the quiet truth most couples discover (often with a mix of relief and horror):

You don’t actually know your partner as well as you think you do.

Not because you’re inattentive or uncaring — but because people change.

Attunement: The Skill We Were Never Taught

In therapy, we often talk about attunement. In simple terms, attunement is the ability to:

• Notice your partner’s emotional state

• Respond in a way that makes them feel understood

• Adjust when something shifts

Research in couples counselling consistently shows that feeling emotionally attuned to is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. When partners feel seen and responded to, trust increases. Conflict softens. Repair happens faster.

But attunement doesn’t come from certainty.

It comes from curiosity (not the sexiest part, but will likely lead to sexier times, IYKYK).

The Problem With “I Know You” Energy

Many couples don’t stop being loving — they stop being curious.

We start filling in the blanks automatically:

• “They’re just stressed.”

• “That’s how they always react.”

• “I know what they’re going to say.”

Our brains love efficiency. Familiarity saves energy. Unfortunately, it also creates blind spots.

Assumptions feel safe, but they quietly disconnect us. When we assume we already know, we stop asking. And when we stop asking, we stop learning who this person is now.

Curiosity Is a Communication Superpower

Curiosity sounds simple, but neurologically and emotionally, it does something powerful: it keeps the nervous system open.

When we approach our partner with curiosity instead of certainty, we’re more likely to:

• Listen instead of defend

• Ask instead of accuse

• Adjust instead of double down

Simple, curious questions can change the entire tone of a relationship:

• “What’s been hardest for you lately?”

• “Is this still working for you?”

• “What do you need more of right now?”

These questions communicate interest, not failure.

Attunement Leads to Better Intimacy (Yes, Including Sex)

Here’s the fun part couples counselling doesn’t always advertise loudly enough: emotional attunement is strongly linked to sexual satisfaction.

When partners feel emotionally understood:

• Desire increases

• Safety increases

• Communication about needs improves

Sex research consistently shows (listen up on this one - men, I am looking at you!) that feeling emotionally connected makes it easier to express preferences, boundaries, and curiosity — which leads to more satisfying sex lives. *I've heard this one over and over through the years*

In other words:

Feeling seen makes it easier to feel turned on. 

And yes — curiosity isn’t always the sexiest answer in the moment. It sounds less like a movie line and more like, “Help me understand.”

But it turns out curiosity is the answer that leads to much sexier times later on.

Not a bad side effect.

You Are Not Dating the Same Person You Met

This is where many couples get stuck. They’re responding to a previous version of their partner.

Life changes us:

• Stress

• Parenthood

• Career shifts

• Aging

• Loss

Couples counselling often becomes the space where partners finally slow down long enough to ask:

“Who are you becoming — and how can I meet you there?” 

That question alone can soften years of disconnection.

Couples Counselling as a Curiosity Reset

Think of couples counselling less as a repair shop and more as a curiosity reboot.

It helps partners:

• Update their understanding of each other

• Notice missed cues without blame

• Practice asking instead of assuming

Attunement isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being responsive.

And curiosity is what keeps responsiveness alive.

The Takeaway (and the Bonus)

Healthy relationships aren’t built on knowing everything — they’re built on staying interested.

When partners choose curiosity:

• Communication improves

• Emotional safety grows

• Conflict becomes less threatening

• Sex gets better (you’re welcome)

So no, you don’t need to know everything about your partner.

You just need to keep asking.

Do it today, for tomorrow. Book here if you wanna explore this: https://todayfortomorrowcap.janeapp.com

Ashley Morency, RP